Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Strange Loves

Dear mouse,

You must have heard already about the Runaway Bride that baffled many for what she did in order to avoid being hitched forever to her fiance. Baffling but not strange.

Compiled by Harvey Barkin, here are some selected strange loves that you can read from this newspaper.

  • The best wedding any guy could ever go to is a Nasamonian ceremony. All the male wedding guests are invited to make love with the bride as a matter of courtesy.
  • The Ca t sez: Instead of kiss the bride... its F..ck the bride.Kabaliw.

  • In pre-communist Russia, the apple was a sex sign. Nothing biblical, really. When a couple got married, the peasants tied an apple by its stem to the honeymoon bed. The string connecting the apple to the bed was thrown over the lovers’ window where a hushed crowd waited expectantly. A sure sign that the lovemaking had begun was the motion of the apple. If the apple swung or shook vigorously, the crowd cheered at the robust quality of the lovemaking. If the apple broke from its stem because of violent tremors from the matrimonial bed, the earth moved for the honeymooners and the peasants found the epitome of the Russian bear.
  • The Ca t sez: MGA TSISMOSO.

  • In feudal Japan, the Samurai sent the bill to his wife after enjoying the services of a courtesan.
  • The Ca t sez: KABWISET

  • Louis XII of France annulled his marriage to Queen Jeanne because “she was excessively ugly.”
  • The Ca t: Hmm reminds me of someone.

  • Henry VIII of England played cards during his first night of marriage to Ann Cleves because she had body odor. B.O. was brought about by excessive sweating when she was nervous.
  • The Ca t: WALA PANG ANTIPERSPIRANT

  • Marie Antoinette and King Louis XVI were in no hurry. They consummated their marriage seven years after their wedding.
  • The Ca t sez: ALA eh, KATAGAL NAMAN.

  • Cesare Borgia (1475-1507) was the victim of a most cruel joke. On his wedding night, a prankster substituted laxatives with his normal medication. Frustrated was the foremost of the Hapsburgs. In the middle of the 10th century, he had to get drummers to imitate thunder while the servants on the roof poured water. You see, Mrs. H was a moody wife who did not like making love unless it rained.
  • The Ca t sez: KAARTE naman. hmph.

  • Doesn’t matter if the bride was a virgin or not to men in ancient Rome. After the marriage ceremony, she ran home and sat on the statue of Mutunus Tatunus. He is the Roman god of sex and fertility. After sitting on Mutie’s mythical endowment, the bride was ready for the real thing from her groom.
  • The Ca t sez: WALA NG ARAY ?

  • In English King Canute’s time (1016-1035), adulterous women had their noses and ears cut off.
  • The Ca t sez: MAy narinig ba akong Aray?

    To be continued...

    The Ca t

    2 Comments:

    At 12:06 PM, Blogger infraternam meam said...

    during the time of the Crusade, when the Knights Templar gets married and goes to meet the Saracens in battle, they will order the local balcksmith to make a girdle (chastity belt) that will be worn by their wives to ensure that the woman will not be doing it with another men while they are away in battle. the men are the only ones who has the key. There are women who die of infections because of this chastity belt that became rusted. Stainless steel is not yet discovered that time and of course, What if the husband dies in battle and the husband has the ONLY KEY to open the Chastity belt..... Aruyyyyyy Kalisud!!!!

     
    At 12:48 PM, Blogger cathcath said...

    kainis naman yan. paano pag punta sa bath.

     

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